This is part of the first chapter of my up-n-comin' book, care to c/c?

Yuki Hagashiis' house, 12:21 p.m.

I reviewed the mental map quickly as I headed towards location One. This Yuki Hagashii was not only important, but the MOST important. If I somehow failed this, the entire plan would fall along with me. I planned it out, step by step, using everything I knew about him and the house to my distinct advantage. Espionage always was my favorite activity… besides murder. My plan was this: I would enter the house with the key from a pot, avoid the tripwire alarm at the door, disable all first-floor alarms with the code 4-23-83(Yuki’s birthdate), walk upstairs on those dratted spiral steps, and turn on the first left to his room(recognizable by a large chip in the upper-right corner.). What I would do once there would rest on the situation, there were two options.
Option one; a clean kill without any noise, take the body and leave.
Option two; I have a tendency to get excited, and things can get…. Messy.
I was hoping for option One, since I did have a time limit for this, but I can never tell with myself. I now stood at the door, and put my plan into action. The key was there and the door was silent, no squeaks. The tripwire was as ineffective as the last time, I mean really. Anyone with one eye and a brain could see that kind of thing. The alarm box started flashing so I hurriedly disabled it, then headed back. I’m still in puzzlement as to why he bothered with security at all, that was all child’s play. I noticed the house had a dry, musty smell, I found it very unpleasant. I consoled myself knowing that it would soon smell much better. Now the stairs. I detest spiral staircases; they hinder movement and make it difficult for me to carry my… equipment. This aside, these were just wide enough that I could carry it up without much trouble. At the top, I turned to his door, and paused, checking my heart rate. It was up quite a bit since the entry, which was expected, but it also worried me. Depending on how this next part went… There may or may not be enough of this man left for his aunt to identify. After a moment of thought, I opened the door and entered the room. I quietly shut the door behind myself and Sealed it, I had no time for escapes. The moon shone on him, just as was expected. He was sleeping very peacefully, and I momentarily felt guilty for…. Disturbing his rest. The feeling passed as quickly as it came, and I dismissed it without a second thought. Blond hair, blue eyes, clean cut and well mannered, a typical “cute” guy. (According to Maddena.) I sifted through his bio one last time, then picked up the chainsaw. Ripp, as I fondly call it, roared to life with a rigid, guttural snarl. He awoke with a yell, and from that point I decided I was going to enjoy this.

---------------------------
This all from Jacks point of view, of course.

Critique, comments?

Thanks much!
Oh yes, btw, I do realize there are some pretty big grammar issues here, but it is still in progress.
Dear Rippy,

Yeah, that's what I think too.
Ah, well, it's all workable.

Glad you liked it, and big hugs to you!
<3
The second part is much better, and the second chapter?
Delicious~

The... 4th victim is the bloodiest kill, very fun and I look forward to that.
Hmm, that is an interesting and excellent point.
Something to work on.

And he has his share of failures, indeed.

Comments

2 Responses to “This is part of the first chapter of my up-n-comin' book, care to c/c?”
  1. agilebrit says:
    July 18, 2010 at 2:27 am

    Show, don’t tell. Rather than having your character tell us his plan in loving detail, just have him DO it and tell us when it’s gone pear-shaped. It…does go pear-shaped, right? Someone whose plans are always successful is dead boring.

  2. Rip Van Winkle (The Male Ver.) says:
    July 18, 2010 at 2:27 am

    It sounds very good

    ^_^

    Though, you could make this a Diary or Journal entry. That’s what it sounds like.


 
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